Doubles and Halves

Twice this month I have been asked how old I am - it was a double occurrence. This is a rare enough thing for me that I have to think about it. As a whole, I have forgotten how old I am and I'm good with that. My decision to forget my age came in 2009 when I had my first birthday after being diagnosed with chronic pain that would last the rest of my life. I had no desire to celebrate that year - marking what would just be the first year of constant pain. I wasn't in a great place emotionally and the thought of spending more than 60 birthdays (and therefore years) in constant pain was a depressing one.

But this year I'm pretty sure I'm 32. At least, that's the number I tell people when they ask. It's close enough, I think.

Half of 32 is 16. That occurred to me the other day when my 5yo was playing with numbers and asking me how much different numbers were when doubled.
Sixteen. That's the year when I developed my first chronic pain symptom.

At 16, I was diagnosed with patellofemoral pain syndrome in both knees - double the pain. I was given anti-inflammatories, knee braces, and physical therapy and told I'd grow out of it. I'll not go into how much I had to miss out in high school because of my first diagnosis.

Sixteen more years have passed and I didn't grow out of it. I still have knee pain. Because it wasn't just patellofemoral pain syndrome. It was the flexibility they so casually mentioned when I was getting diagnosed. The flexibility that means a hypermobility syndrome.

I have spent half my life in chronic pain. This means that from now on, I have spent more of my life in chronic pain than without.

I wish I still didn't know how old I am.

I know I wouldn't be who I am without this journey but sometimes reality is HARD.

I cling to this promise. I have friends who don't have a belief in an afterlife. I can't fathom that. I believe that there is a life after this one when my body will not be in pain any more. 

It seems SO LONG now, and the notion that pain has already been a part of more than half of my mortal life is a harsh one. But in the scheme of eternity, it's such a small period of time.

And so I forget how old I am and I focus on right now and I keep tucked in my mind the promise that the pain is not forever, no matter how long it feels right now.